I don't know why, but I've always felt that describing myself as an 'artist' was really presumptious of me. A 'painter' is innacurate, and people just tend to think that you like to paint walls. It all makes for that imaginary awkward moment when you're in a conversation and someone mentions that you're 'an Artist', capital A, and you feel like they're pissing way out of the bowl. Maybe I consider that the word artist has been thrown around so many times it's lost its meaning because people like to give themselves titles and invent beautiful and powerful personas they can play around with during social situations. Everyone does it, I do it, but it's rather disrespectful to me to consider myself an artist when I don't think I'm one. And it's not like you can explain that to them, because when I do, I feel like the stupid little rockstar who wants to renegade of their life because it's ironic or something and they feel so original, so unique, as if they were the second coming of Christ or something.
And I don't know how to use commas in English. Especially when I rant.
And there's these little stupid things I do out of pride that get me into the 'are you an artist?' situation, like taking out some random drawing to work a little on it so people can see that *yes, I'm an engineering student and I draw, aren't I special?* just to feel extremely pathetic afterwards. Awkward times in my mind. Part of me is like that kid who likes to show off just so people give him attention, and the other part is like the normal guy who wants to smash his head against an extremely fragile window. I lie for all I'm worth all the time just to make people think I'm the shit, and the worst of all is that people end up believing me. If you ever got into an arguement with me, the fact is that I probably lied to you at some point, just to win the discussion. It's so pathetic and stupid, but I can't help it.
There's also that thing that really annoys me, when I'm talking and someone says "could you please slow down? I can barely understand you", and it's not because of them (really, frustrated would be a better word in this case); it's like sometimes my mind goes overdrive and I try to explain everything and it ends up being all jumbled and chaotic and pointless. Or, I can't get the words to come out, I'm thinking in English and the concept can't be accurately translated to Spanish and people don't like waiting for you to speak during a conversation.
I don't know what's happening lately, though. It's like an invisible wall has risen between people and me and no matter how hard I try everyone fucking misses the point of what I'm saying all the goddamn time. And what drives me crazy is that I know I'm using the right words and what I say is coherent and reasonable, and it's like "hey, I'm talking about A" and they respond "no you're wrong, B is not like that", FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.
I ended up screaming at a friend yesterday because of that.
And this has nothing to do with the rest, but someone recently said to me that I'm not consistent in my art. Like, it's either no progress at all or BOOM +2 ART SKILL POINTS out of fucking nowhere. Kind of like a guy in a spacesuit with rockets integrated and the rockets work, but are out of fuel and the flames come in bursts. Like BURST RAMs do. Without fuel and guys in spacesuits.
The way I tend to make progress is really weird. I can get through months without touching a pencil and someday I want to try something new, and it's guaranteed the first try will suck, but then the second one is the best thing ever and I go to bed feeling like Picasso's my bitch (then wake up the next day and realize that I still suck). But lately I've been visiting some artists I used to watch on DA/SA, seen a lot of artworks I used to consider waaaaay out of my skill level, and suddenly it's like "oh god, I used to believe you were the shit, and now I've surpassed you" (for the artists) and "wait, I thought this was so difficult to do? it's... shit" (for the artworks). Then I look for stuff that can put mine to shame so I can get even better. And then I go all HUEHUEAHUEHUAHUEHUAHUE GIB ART SKILLZ PLIS
Now comes that part that strangely sounds like the end of a melancholic drunk's rant where the guy cries with a smile full of teeth and beer in his face, and he's like leaning heavily on the bar's counter trying not to fall asleep.
I don't think I could've progressed this much if it hadn't been for the occass¡onal drawthreads I did on /x/ and /y/. I'm not a really creative person, by now you've all probably realized most of the stuff I do are requests and fanarts. It all gives me an excuse to draw and practise all the technical concepts floating around my head.
So yeah, don't feel like writing anymore. /random rant